I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
third nipple confirmed
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
