Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
