i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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