He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
