i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
