My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
