when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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