I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
