I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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