Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
