Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
