At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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