Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
