So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
