his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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