it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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