he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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