allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
