Got a toothbrush?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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