I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
