booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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