I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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