just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I pour the whiskey from now on
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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