New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Life is so much better after having sex.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
