Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
