I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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