apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
