you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
