The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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