32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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