I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
