Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
