He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
