The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
