Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
