Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
