after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Life without a bra equals bliss.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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