i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
