then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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