Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
