So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
