my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
