Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I need moral support for this bender
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
