I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
