moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
