I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
