I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
