I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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