Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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