your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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