Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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