oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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