He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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