I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
